KAIT: I want her big hairy ass in my face. (Beat.) CHARLIE: (Deadpan.) Can you run that past me again? KAIT: I want her big hairy ass in my face, her vagina, her pre-menstrual pheromones, her taste. Wanna breathe her, and touch her, and search with my tongue, feel her drip off my chin, lick it off when she’s done. And then I wanna stare at the stain on the floor. I feel ravenous. This hasn’t happened before. I didn’t know that I’d like it, well, I guess I knew, But I didn’t know just how much… I feel brazen, disgraceful. I’ve got a case of wanting big hairy woman ass, right in my face. CHARLIE: Hm. Can’t relate… KAIT: (Nervous lesbian laughter.) CHARLIE: But I grasp the concept. KAIT: Yeah, I appreciate the effort. CHARLIE: What I can say that I do understand, is that moment when it hits you that you’re gayer than you planned. KAIT: Charlie, you knew you were gay in the womb. CHARLIE: Yes, and I’ll take the damages straight to my tomb. (Spoken.) I’m trying to level with you, Kait. KAIT: Sorry. CHARLIE: I’ll have you know, I wasn’t always ancient. KAIT: (Reassuring.) You are not ancient, you’re like, 27. CHARLIE: (Curtly.) 26. KAIT: (Genuinely embarrassed.) Oops. CHARLIE: What I’m saying is that I was a baby gay once. KAIT: You just… carry yourself with so much authority, I have a hard time picturing that. CHARLIE: Well, I’ve had a journey, so let me have my milestones. KAIT: What was dating like for baby gay Charlie? CHARLIE: It was, ah… it was something. Freshman me wasn’t too jazzed about sex. Prospects were average, and I was a catch. Until Timothy Mendez was there in the flesh, looking chiseled and heartbroken over his ex. On that couch that we shared overnight at that party, I basked in his heat, ate my gay stupid heart out. He then put his big hairy ass in my face, and I reckoned with that hunger that I never knew to chase. It was jarring, addictive, a bitch to withstand. I was hornier than I could ever have planned. KAIT: That’s the weird thing, it’s a need. CHARLIE: Exactly. KAIT: What I didn’t understand before is that it’s a need. CHARLIE: And you’re right to acknowledge it as such. KAIT / CHARLIE: When you shut off your mind, Let your instincts decide, there’s no turning back. KAIT: I want her big hairy ass in my face, And I’ve never really let my body take me to that place. It’s so embarrassing, it’s a disgrace, How does anyone cope with this? CHARLIE: Well, here’s the good part, Kait. Now you know what you need, and now you get to go get it. KAIT: Here’s the thing, well… Colleen’s all I need, All I want, but you see, I’ve getting the job done myself all week, like, completely myself… CHARLIE: Really? KAIT: Yeah. CHARLIE: For a week? KAIT: Mhm. CHARLIE: And you’ve been sleeping in the same bed, how many nights? KAIT: All of them. CHARLIE: (Appalled.) I— how do lesbians—! Okay, I’m going to retract that before I say it. KAIT: I’m gonna let you. CHARLIE: Thanks. KAIT: No problem. But, I mean it, when we did it, we had fun, it was sweet, I just wish I knew how to get it to repeat. CHARLIE: Woof. KAIT: What? CHARLIE: I just…. that’s not gonna do, is it? KAIT: What do you mean? CHARLIE: I mean, if you’re sexually incompatible, you might wanna break it off now. KAIT: (Appalled.) I’m not gonna break it off because of sex! CHARLIE: You can and you should. KAIT: God, Charlie! CHARLIE: What? KAIT: Maybe I’d like to fix this without being a jerk! I’m in love with her, I’m gonna put in the work. CHARLIE: (Shrugging.) Okay, you do that. (CHARLIE observes with his typical perma-smirk as KAIT calmly begins passive-aggressively stocking the napkin holder, as if dropping the issue, until she can no longer contain herself and inevitably turns back over to him.) KAIT: How can you judge me, when she was my first?! There’s a bond there! Companionship’s stronger than thirst. Didn’t you feel attachment to Timothy, or did you care? CHARLIE: Getting thrown down a flight of stairs the next Monday by him and his friends kind of cut through the tether, but I digress. KAIT: You deserved better. CHARLIE: Well, people are moments. We use them, we’re used. And it’s all we can do to admit it, and get what we need, make the best of it. But that’s just my take, so take it or leave it. If you believe in companionship, you should believe in it for as long as you can still believe in it. KAIT: That… kind of worries me, Charlie, do you want to talk about it? CHARLIE: Nope. Anyway, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try giving her a little nudge. KAIT: I’m just not sure how to approach the subject… CHARLIE: Do you have your phone? KAIT: Yeah. CHARLIE: Pull it out, unlock it, text her, “Wanna bang tonight?” Done. KAIT: I can’t just say that, Charlie. CHARLIE: You really can, this is literally the person you’re in a relationship with. KAIT: And that’s not how you talk to a person you’re in a relationship with. This is a delicate topic with, like… pressure attached. CHARLIE: Why is there pressure? KAIT: Well… CHARLIE: I’m just saying, you practically live at her apartment, you’ve been serious for months now, you’re so aligned in every way, so what’s the disconnect? (The phone rings.) KAIT: …I don’t know. CHARLIE: Ugh, this same number has called and hung up three times. KAIT: Is it garlic knot lady again? CHARLIE: No, it’s some guy, he just blathers for a second and hangs up, he’s an absolute tragedy. (He answers the phone.) Thank you for calling Mr. Twist on Supermarket Court, this is Charlie, how can I help you? (CHARLIE’s expression gradually lights up, and his typically closed body language opens just a bit. KAIT watches in suspense, surprised to see CHARLIE so intrigued by anyone or anything.) CHARLIE: We are actually hiring. You know, I’ll tell you what… Would you like to come in around 3 for a chat? Splendid, can I get your name? (Spoken.) Zeke? You seem more like an Ezekiel to me. If I call you Ezekiel, are you good with that? Well, Ezekiel, I’ll see you at three. Yes, today. I know that’s in an hour, I like to move fast, what’s the matter with that? It gets quiet on Wednesdays and I get bored. We can’t have that, can we? I’m the assistant manager, but I’m essentially the boss, so I’ll see you. Yes, three. Call me if you get lost. (Spoken, flirtatious.) Bye. KAIT: (Ecstatic, accusatory.) What was that?! CHARLIE: (Coyly.) I’m not sure I know what you mean. KAIT: I should have known when you were bagging on him! CHARLIE: Known WHAT, Kaitlin? KAIT: You’re sweet on him. CHARLIE: What, after 17 seconds of interaction? KAIT: Yes! Why else would you give an interview to some dude that called and hung up three times? CHARLIE: Silence your cooing mammaries! I’m just… morbidly curious to meet the man who gets distressed over calling a pretzel shop. I mean, really, did he think the stakes were that life-altering? KAIT: You want his big hairy ass in your face. CHARLIE: That depends on what it looks like. KAIT: You could tell that he was cute, I saw the way you were smiling! You’re soft for the awkward ones. Charlie, I know you. CHARLIE: Quit changing the subject to me and go talk to Colleen. Take your break and have lunch with your girlfriend. Go talk to Colleen. KAIT: You’re so totally sweet on him. CHARLIE / KAIT: I swear to god, fix your millions of problems. And once you’ve made more, come and tell me about ‘em. KAIT: I love you a lot. CHARLIE: The feeling is mutual. Take a long break if you need. KAIT: Oh, don’t worry, You’ll have time alone with Ezekiel at 3. CHARLIE: Ooh. Very funny. KAIT: It is. (CHARLIE smiles and rolls his eyes, firmly puts his hands on KAIT’s shoulders, spins her around, and playfully ushers her towards the door.) CHARLIE / KAIT: Godspeed, my friend, and so long as you’re safe, I’ll be wishing you happiness, wishing you grace, I’ll be wishing you love, in its time, in its place. I’ll be wishing you big hairy ass in your face. KAIT: Wishing you love. CHARLIE: In its time and its place. CHARLIE / KAIT: Wishing you big hairy ass in your face. (KAIT walks out the door, only to back up and pull CHARLIE into a hug. Initially, he rolls his eyes in reaction, but then, reluctantly, he manages a quick, prideful, no-hetero pat-on-the-back hug. He smiles, genuinely, and KAIT exits.)

i can be adventurous take a shot at something new i'll prove it to myself and then i'll prove it to you that i can be adventurous sexy ladies on my arm! i've got my snapback on, i'm gonna knock em dead with charm. and i'm a little scared. 'cause i might burp or fart or need to poop. i hope my body hair is not a turn-off. they won't understand the way you do. i can be adventurous! no one knows as well as you you came into my life and challenged everything i knew. i'd do anything for us, so i'll do this for you too. i'll take my newfound skills and use em rather than enjoying the view. you showed me how to kiss with tongue, and i was terrible at first, but then i learned. you smiled, i came undone, and i gave thanks for every bridge i'd burned. bitter kisses with strange men had sewn my mouth shut. then you came to me, and i could only shout the truth. i'm okay now, i've never kissed a girl i didn't love. 'cause, colleen, the only girl i've ever kissed is you. i'm a little scared, 'cause not a soul could know me like you do. i'm a little scared, but at least she feels a bit like you. my heart's not with my head, every part of me is still with you. she wants me in her bed, but when the springs start squeaking, she won't laugh the way you do. i can be adventurous. more adventurous than you.

Well, that’s a wrap. God, what a whirlwind. My baby bird’s left the nest. My little sapling, out in the world. I distantly wish him the best. He is a picture that hasn’t been painted yet. Still, I can see it somehow. I’ve never kissed someone quite so untainted. What do I make of it now? I’m the ice queen, the advice queen. Mr. Nice Queen is long gone. There’s no dining and dancing, or prancing in the park, when head is a handshake and men only dance in the dark. But Ezekiel brings me bright blue flowers, and I’m a shrinking violet. A moment usually lasts an hour in my world, if it’s silent. I think of all the time I waste, so desperate just to fill up space. But all my words evaporate in the stillness of our sacred place. Ooh, la-di-da, la-di-da, laaaaa… And you’re running home like the wind. Darling, do you think it’s over for you? ‘Cause it’s not. Maybe you’re wondering if I’m all there is for you. I swear to god that I’m not. I’d never steal all the freedom you’ll feel while you’re young and the iron’s still hot. So live, darling, live and get all that you want. But you’ve given me these bright blue flowers, and darling, when I met you, I knew I’d haunt your dying hour, but, surely, I’d forget you. I’d be your first; you’d dip your toe. I’d have my fun, then, let you go. But how can I forget your face, and the stillness of our sacred place? Ooh... (Lights out.)